Any marriage counselor will tell you that one of the most common problems observed when couples come for help is poor communication skills. People get into trouble in their marriages because they have not developed their ability to listen and communicate.

Barriers to Communication

These are a few of the things that prevent people from communicating effectively:

• Not knowing how to communicate properly

• Not taking the time to think through what you want to say

• Not taking the time to anticipate what your partner might be thinking and feeling

• Fear of revealing too much of yourself

• Fear of your partner’s anger

• Not wanting to hurt your partner’s feelings
Empathy and Acceptance

People marry because they want to spend the rest of their lives with their partner. They have every hope of growing together and creating a relationship that makes them feel emotionally healthy. Two factors that are necessary for this to happen are empathy and acceptance on the part of both partners.

Empathy is the capacity to put oneself in another’s shoes and understand how they view their reality, how they feel about things.

Demonstrating empathy and acceptance is critical to maintaining a strong relationship. Let’s look next at some communication skills that enable you to create a climate of empathy, acceptance, and understanding. First we will explore a skill called Active Listening.

Active Listening

Active listening is a way of communicating that creates the important climate of empathy, acceptance, and understanding.

• It is a two-step response to a statement made by your partner.

• It includes reflecting back what emotion you detected in the statement, and the reason for the emotion.
This is what active listening sounds like:
“Sounds like you’re upset about what happened at work.”

“You’re very annoyed by my lateness, aren’t you?”

Why Active Listening Is a Valuable Skill

Active listening is a valuable skill because it demonstrates that you understand what your partner is saying and how he or she is feeling about it.

• Active listening means restating, in your own words, what the other person has said.

• It’s a check on whether your understanding is correct.

• It demonstrates that you are listening and that you are interested and concerned.

Actively listening does not mean agreeing with the other person. The point is to demonstrate to your partner that you intend to hear and understand his or her point of view. This is good for your relationship for several reasons:

• When someone demonstrates that they want to understand what you are thinking and feeling, it feels good.

• It creates good feelings about the other person.

• Restating and checking understanding promotes better communication and fewer misunderstandings.

More Active Listening Examples

Here are some more examples of active listening:

“You sound really stumped about how to solve this problem.”

“It makes you angry when you find errors on Joey’s homework.”

“Sounds like you’re really worried about Wendy.”

“I get the feeling you’re awfully busy right now.”

More Communication Skills

Although our space is limited in this short newsletter, there are a few more communication skills that I must mention. These include asking open-ended questions, making summary statements to check understanding, and encouraging your partner to open up and elaborate by using neutral questions and phrases.

Open-ended questions begin with what, why, how do, or tell me.

• These questions get the other person to open up and elaborate on the topic.

• Asking these kinds of questions gets the other person involved by giving him or her a chance to tell what he or she thinks or knows.

• These questions are designed to encourage your partner to talk.

• They are useful when the other person is silent or reluctant to elaborate.

• They are also useful in dealing with negative emotions (such as anger or fear), since they help encourage the other person to vent feelings.

Summary Statements

Summary statements sum up what you hear your partner saying.

• A summary statement enhances your partner’s self-esteem by showing that you were listening carefully.

• It also helps you focus on facts, not emotions.

• It helps your partner clarify his or her own thinking by hearing your summary.

• Summary statements also help you deal with multiple disagreements so you can deal with them one by one.

• They help eliminate confusion by focusing on the relevant facts.

• Summary statements also help you separate the important issues from the trivial.

Neutral Questions and Phrases

Neutral questions and phrases get your partner to open up and elaborate on the topic you are discussing.

• These questions are more focused than open-ended questions.

• They help your partner understand what you are interested in hearing more about.

• They further communication because they help you gain more information.

• When you ask these kinds of questions, you demonstrate to your partner that you are interested and that you are listening.

Business Skills for Marriages

You might be surprised to hear that the same skills that help people succeed in business can also be used to build a better marriage. Like any business, a marriage is a partnership of people. Many of the skills that make businesses run successfullyplanning, organizing, and setting goalsalso can be applied to running your marriage successfully. These are some of the skills that will strengthen any marriage:

1. Create an overall vision of what you want your life to be like; consider all life areas.

2. Develop a long-range strategy.

3. Set short-term and long-term goals.

4. Plan the steps that will help you accomplish your goals.

5. Organize projects.

6. Manage projects.

7. Manage people.

8. Evaluate progress and results at regular intervals.

9. Revise goals as needed.

Garrett Coan is a professional therapist,coach and psychotherapist. His two Northern New Jersey office locations are accessible to individuals who reside in Bergen County, Essex County, Passaic County, Rockland County, and Manhattan. He offers online and telephone coaching and counseling services for those who live at a distance. He can be accessed through http://www.creativecounselors.com or 201-303-4303.

We profess some values and act against them. I will come to that shortly, but add here that our not living by values may be hurting our love very badly. When we look for answers to our lost love, we must find out if we had violated our values. Let me give you some examples. What are the values you love? Honesty, speaking truth, helping others, understanding others, caring for others, being compassionate and many other values come in the values list of a majority. What about living by these values?

How many of us don’t lie? How many of us behave carelessly towards others/ how many of us cheat others for small gains? We are ready to sacrifice most of our values to reach our material goals. We justify all our actions on the way, but deep inside there is no peace or satisfaction in our heart. We know that we are different to what we began with.

Is the same happening with our love relationship? In love, we say- I will care for you. In love we promise total faithfulness. In love, we promise that we will sacrifice our comfort to make our beloved comfortable. In love we promise many things including never hurting our darling.

When it comes to living by these values, we break most of them. We bring down our love to a give and take and justify our wrong actions with every possible argument. But the end result is death of love. After that we blame our darling for breaking love. That is our tragedy.

The author C.D.Mohatta writes articles, advice and ideas at http://www.yourromanceguide.com/ on topics like love, dating, marriage, relationships, break-ups, etc. He also writes for screen-savers and desktop wallpapers at http://www.screene.com/ on topics like nature, spirituality, motivation, love-romance, holidays, animals, etc. The third site, the author writes for, is http://www.ecarduniverse.com/ - it has free ecards on holidays, birthday, love, friendship, family, expressions, celebrations and all events and occasions.

Take a look inside him. Ask yourself these questions.

1. What’s his EQ? Did you know you can measure it? Since your relationship depends upon your interpersonal skills, it would be smart if you both took the EQ-Map© and then worked with an EQ coach on areas needed. EQ can be learned. Go here - http://tinyurl.com/z94t .

2.Does he have deficits in the limbic brain? This is about eye contact, oxytocin, bonding, parenting, affection, using the word “we”. If all you’re getting is reptilian (sex ) and neocortex (intellectual), why give up good closet space when a Rampant Rabbit and Wikipedia would do? 3.How’s the left- right brain balance? Talking to someone who’s all left-brain is like getting facts from a machine. Talking to someone who’s all right-brain - they may not be organized enough to show up for the talk! 4.How “male” brained is he? According to Simon Baron-Cohen ( http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0738208442/susandunnmome-2 0 ), the extreme male brain is good at systematizing, and low on empathy. It takes the average male 7 times longer to process emotional information than for a woman to. What if it takes him 70 times longer? What if he can’t get there at all?

5. How does he manage his anger? You need to experience this. Don’t make a decision until you’ve had your first big fight. Make sure you both trust yourselves and the relationship enough to be able to disagree openly and come to a resolution.

6.Will he be there for you? As Oriah Mountain Dream says, will he “stand in the middle of the fire with [you] and not shrink back?” It’s a sign of maturity and character to be able to stand and deliver when you feel like running.

7.Can he be faithful? This isn’t a philosophical issue. If it happens to you, it can hit you in the gut.

Male infidelity may be intellectually defensible, but emotionally it destroys the covenant of the relationship the way the radioactive contamination from a nuclear bomb destroys vegetation. It won’t be coming back in your lifetime, and without it, there is no relationship. 8.Does he know enough is enough? One should never use more force than is necessary. Can he think before he speaks and then deliver just the right amount. And no more. It shows empathy, self-confidence, and self-control. This means resisting all urges to deliver the big one-two he knows would really really hurt you in a verbal argument.

9.Do you laugh together? If there’s anything you can count on to get you through the long haul, it’s a sense of humor. Wit gets bonus points with me. It can be used in public, and can save your marriage on a 6-hour car trip with a carsick kid and a borken air-conditioner. Silliness … now that’s the sign of true lovers.

10.Does he say nice things to you about you and the relationship? The formula is 3 positive things for each negative thing. Does he do this? Is he willing to learn?

Are you looking but not looking for love? Do you long to find your soul mate?

If you are looking without trying to seem like you are looking that is understandable. None of us likes to feel undignified.

Perhaps you could develop a new perspective about looking, and move into enjoying it, rather than seeing it as something that is beneath you. Looking could mean that you are ready to take responsibility for your own happiness, whom you meet, whom you choose to go out with, and the quality of relationship you want. The best approach of all is to consider the process of looking for someone as your great adventure.

Here are some ideas to help you in your search:

Tell people you want to meet someone.

Being introduced to someone by people who know you makes a lot of sense. Networking and asking friends and relatives to scout for you is one of the most effective ways of meeting others. It helps to have friends screen potential dates. It can save you a lot of time in getting to know and trust someone. If you are out of high school or college, you are going to have to take the initiative if you want to date. That initiative starts with asking others for help.

Do some planning to get out more often.

I can’t think of anything worth having that does not take some planning, focus, and skills. Invariably, working for what you want also involves ups and downs. Did you sail through school with no struggles? Not too many people didand that’s my point. You worked for it, and made your way through the challenges with as much grace as possible. So be prepared to do the work to find places to go and people to go with. Further, design a dating plan that includes going places, scouting, sorting, and screening potential dates.

Be friendly and reach out to people.

Extend yourself to people to make some new friends. By building a stronger social network, and developing a good attitude, you will increase the likelihood of meeting someone. You need to practice your social skills if you are going to go new places and talk to new potential dates. A different attitude leads to different behavior which creates new and different results.

Learn to use the internet for dating.

Get a good book about how to proceed with effective internet dating. It’s important to learn how to write an interesting profile. Read other peoples’ profiles to get ideas about the ones you like. If you have tried one site and it did not work, try another.

Polish yourself up.

What would it take for you to feel attractive? Do you need a hair or clothes makeover? Do you need to start working out at the gym? Or perhaps you need to learn some new skills to feel better about your career potential? Ask yourself what would give you new energy and make plans to do something about it.

Don’t be afraid to acknowledge to yourself and to others that you are looking. The first step to getting who and what you want is to know what that is and stop keeping it a secret. The second step is to take action. Good luck. You can do it.

Visit http://www.tonjaweimer.com for more tips, skills, and insight on dating, relationships, singles, and love. Subscribe to our F*ree Savvy Dating Newsletter from master single’s coach, life coach, and syndicated columnist, Tonja Weimer. Copyright 2006, Tonja Weimer. (Please note source if reprinting this article.)

Flowers, herbs and spices have long been used as a symbol to unite and protect a new union. Garlic and onions were thought to protect newlyweds from evil and were often included as an integral part of the ceremony. White garlands were worn to show innocence and chastity but the language of flowers didn’t arrive to Europe until the early 1700s.

The universal flower for weddings is most definitely the rose. White or red are the most common. It was proclaimed by Venus, the Roman goddess of love, that the red rose was the most beautiful of all flowers. So it came to be that the red rose represented true love.

When you are choosing the flowers for your wedding there are several things to take into account.

1) First of all, it is your wedding and should emulate your personality and be the theme for the ceremony and reception. It shouldn’t be what your mother always wanted or your bridesmaid’s favorite flowers. It’s about what you want.

2) Look at a lot of photographs of wedding flowers and bouquets. You need to get familiar with flowers, styles and colors. The internet is an awesome tool for that. It used to be that you’d have to go to a florist to do this and you may still want to but fortunately there are a lot more options.

3) As you browse through the pages, start with style first. Do you like the bouquets that are long with ivy and ribbons, maybe compact and round, exotic, possibly long flowers that you carry on your arm almost like carrying a baby? The reason I suggest style first is because certain flowers are suited to each style.

4) Remember, large bouquets can be very heavy and if you have a small frame then you may want to reconsider a large bouquet. I have done bridal bouquets that have weighed as much as 30 to 40 pounds.

5) Once you have decided on a style then it can be determined what flowers and colors you would like. Sometimes you get lucky and see a bouquet and that is exactly the one you want. But don’t be afraid to get creative. I once did a wedding where the bride (who married on Valentines Day) chose a round red bouquet for herself and the bridesmaid’s wore white and red dresses so we made half the bouquet red and the other half white roses. At the reception the bouquets were then placed in red vases and served as flowers for the head table. It was very effective. You can be as creative as you want.
6) You can also choose flowers for their meanings. Here are some of the more common flowers used in weddings:

Red rose - True love

White rose - innocence and purity, I am worthy of you.

White carnation - fascination, love of a woman

White lily - purity, heavenly

Cala lily - beauty

Red tulips - declaration of love

Babies breath - pure of heart

Blue violet - faithfulness

Hyacinth - loveliness

Iris- warmth and affection

Daisy - innocence

Ivy - eternal love and fidelity

7) If you want fragrant flowers then I would go with white casa blanca or star- gazer lilies, hyacinth, tuber roses, and gardenias. The fragrance would be heavenly.

If you are on a severe budget then you may want to consider doing simple bouquets on your own. It is not that difficult to do. Example; take a dozen or more tulips and stagger them slightly so that the heads are not all together. Take the first tulip in your hand, place the next one so that the tulip head is now about 2 or 3 inches lower and so on. Take the ribbon of your choice and tie them together. Make a simple bow and there you have it. You can also do this style effectively with calla lilies, gladiolas and blue delphinium. If you want to save a lot of money then this can be an alternative for you.

Regardless of the size and budget of your wedding, just remember, this is your day. Do it the way you want to and have fun doing it.

If you have ever attended a wedding, you probably remember the keepsakes that the bride and groom gave their guests. Giving each guest a wedding favor is part of the tradition of the wedding ceremony. Any bridal shop will have various wedding favors from which you can choose. For a more unique touch you can design and create your own style of wedding favor to give guests. Not only does this add a special touch to the ceremony, but it also provides an opportunity for the individuals in the wedding party to spend time together before the ceremony in an occasion that is not as hectic. A customized wedding favor can also save you money since you can usually buy the materials you need at any hobby shop.

More than a Keepsake
A wedding favor can serve many purposes. A keepsake is the main reason that people give a wedding favor at weddings. A wedding favor can also serve the purpose of sending off the bride and grooms. A very popular wedding favor that you can make without spending much time and money are bubbles. When the wedding couple is leaving for their honeymoon venture, the guests generally send off the couple with a cloud of bubbles. When you make the decision to give each guest a wedding favor that is memorable, it is a good idea to come up with a wedding favor idea that is associated with the bride and groom.

Adding Your Unique Touch
In addition to being a keepsake, a wedding favor should be unique. To make a wedding favor unique, you can add a twist to a traditional idea or create something completely your own. Divinity or candy is a common gift that you can dress up with decorative containers or wrappings. It is completely acceptable to make the candy or divinity yourself or have someone with cooking skills take care of this for you. A candle makes an excellent wedding favor because there are so many fragrances, colors, and accessories that you can use to make them a unique wedding favor. If you go with candles as a wedding favor, you might to consider taking a candle making class. Check your local area to see if any of the hobby shops have candle-making classes. This is a fun activity that the entire wedding party can participate in.

Cost
You don’t have to spend a lot of money to create a unique wedding favor to give their wedding guests. It is an unspoken truth that a wedding favor is inexpensive. Even if you are creating the most formal wedding ceremony, your wedding favor should be simple and cheap.

For a free course on planning discount weddings and where to find the best discount wedding invitations, visit www.discountweddingguide.com/ today.

Do you know why? You see Jaimee is a lesbian and has been very happy with her mate, but she is not allowed to get married by law. Each time she takes issue with this on Internet Forums all the Christians start quoting scripture and all sorts of hokum and slander? Well one young man came to her rescue in an attempt to easy the burden.

“Jaimee, I am not of a religious connotation. So, I am looking at this issue from outside the cave. I see your point. There is nothing I can do to help you and look how intense these debates get. I suppose if the Gay and Lesbian Community would have started this level of push 30 years ago then today it would be happening in the USA like it is in most other nations. There are also lobbyists who are Corporate who are opposed because it means approximately 5% increased in healthcare co-pays and other entitlements. Right now we have many Corporations trying to get out from under under-funded pensions and negotiating with Unions in many industries, Auto, Manufacturing, Airlines, etc. to cut benefits. So that too is an issue catching you between a rock and a hard place.”

It appears that there are some benefits issues here in corporate America on top of the Christian Right voting block and they may not be able to afford an onslaught of additional gay and lesbian marriages. Or so they say. But either way apparently there is a lot of money flow and huge voting blocks against gay marriage, so it looks like it maybe a while yet still for Jaimee and her friend. Consider all this in 2006.

“Lance Winslow” - Online Think Tank forum board. If you have innovative thoughts and unique perspectives, come think with Lance; http://www.WorldThinkTank.net/wttbbs/

This is Where I Ate a Thigh of Roe Deer and washed it Down with Acorn Coffee!

If you’ve ever wanted to savour the culinary delights of beaver, cow’s tongue or smoked hog’s ear- and who hasn’t? - the east is where to feast. In Vilnius they’ve got a specialty beer divined from both malt and peas and a cup of coffee is traditionally made from ground acorns. There’s a lot to love about traditional Lithuanian fare and not least because it has ‘hangover cure’ written all over it. Imagine waking up after a serious night on the tiles, so hungry you’re willing to gnaw your big toe off, your stomach has that old time vat of acid feeling and you’re dreaming of a greasy fry-up. This is where Cepelinai steps up to the plate. Described by a respected food writer as “a Zeppelin-shaped parcel of potato dough” filled with meat, covered in a sauce of onions, cream, butter and bacon bits, (and bacon bits, magic words in anyone’s language) Cepelinai hits the spot to reline the stomach and imbue the consumer with a warm inner glow of nothing short but pure satisfaction. Almost spiritual. So rich, so creamy, so oniony, so meaty, so bacony and so simple in its delight that it makes you want to take the Tesco ‘Five a day’ and moon the daylights out of Gordon Ramsay and that bloody Gillian you-are-what-you-eat-woman. Taste it. Love it. Become a new man.

And This is Where I Drank this Random Honey Stuff

So what are you waiting for? Get involved. Knowing that you’ve got a sure fire hangover cure gives you no legitimate excuse for turning down the God bestowed nectar that is Lithuania’s Special Honey Mead Balsam. Amateurs need not apply. There are two main types; Suktinis at 50% proof and Zalgaris which is a scorcher at a staggering 75%. Seventy-five. You could, however just as easily stick to the vast array of boutique beers from the surrounding breweries, the best of which are the pale bronze lagers made from both malt and peas, a fine drop by the name of ‘Sirvenos’ is a good place to start. You’ll also find many rich reddish brown lagers with hints of whiskey and sherry undertones.

Vilnius is Baltic So Will I Freeze My B@$$s Off?

Maybe. But not necessarily. Just like the UK January is the most freezing month with lows hitting a chillin’ -9C. The record low for Vilnius is -30C but that was so long ago that no one really remembers and the record high is a toasty 35C. But generally from April to October Vilnius is cool without being cold and warm without being sweltering.

Average January Temperature: -2 C

Average July Temerature: 19C

Weird But Cool Lithuanian Facts:

In a move that can only be described as unconventional, the Lituanian Basketball team, which rocketed to fame in the early 90s after scooping the bronze medal at the Barcelona Olympics, is supported by none other than the American Pyschedelic rock band ‘The Grateful Dead’. Official team photos show the athletes sporting highly fetching tie died shorts in a varying assortments of lime, magenta and acid pink. Dude.

Lithuania is the proud home of the world’s largest TV sculpture. Artist Gintaras Karosas created the work entitled “LNK Infotree” using just under three thousand individual television sets.
Lithuanian man/beast Antanas Kontrimas, who reportedly hadn’t shaved in a quarter of a century, set the Guinness World record for the greatest weight lifted by a human beard. On the 11 September 2004, Kontrimas lifted a 136 pound woman with only his whiskers. On previous occasions Kontrimas carried a sack of grain, a TV host and an entire keg of homemade beer. Ladies, get in line.

So How Do I Organise All the Travelly Details Without Screwing Up?

Easy. There’s a London-based company by the name of Chillisauce who employ people who really enjoy tailoring packages stag groups to Vilnius, and a whole bunch of other cities. They do all the phoning, reserving and then come up with ideas just for you and your friends. All you actually have to do is turn up to have the most kicking ass time.

Can’t wait to get a taste of that? Just drop a line to Amalia Illgner, she is a copywriter for chillisauce.co.uk; a fully bonded tour operator specialising in memorable stag nights. And there’s a whole map of possibilities for a great stag weekend, for some excellent adventure filled ideas check out chillisauce where they will tailor a Stag Weekend in Vilnius just for you.

Are you looking for some inside information on wedding transportation? Here’s an up-to-date report from wedding transportation experts who should know.

Although the bride and groom traditionally arrive at the ceremony in separate vehicles, they travel to the reception together. There are many options that the bride and groom may consider when choosing their transportation to the reception. These options encompass a wide variety of sentiments. They can vary from traditional, to magical and even outrageous. Just a few of the transportation options available for a bride and groom are a limousine, a horse drawn carriage, a motorcycle, a bus or even a sports car.

A limousine is one of the more traditional ways for a bride and groom to arrive at their reception. There is a wide variety of limousines available today including stretch versions of popular sport utility vehicles. The bride and groom may opt for a simple limousine for just the two of them or they may choose to arrive in a stretch sports utility vehicle that can transport the entire wedding party and contains outrageous features such as a hot tub and a dance floor as well as a bar. Although limousine companies are beginning to offer more outrageous models, the limousine is still considered to be the most traditional way for a bride and groom and their wedding party to arrive at the reception.

A horse drawn carriage is becoming another popular way for a bride and groom to arrive at their wedding reception. This mode of transportation creates a fairy tale image that has a feel of magic. This is a way for the bride and the groom to have an opportunity to spend some time alone in between the ceremony and the reception. They typically travel in the carriage without the accompaniment of any of the members of the wedding party so it is a quiet time for the couple to relax together before the excitement of the reception. The other advantage to arriving at the reception in a horse drawn carriage is that the fairy tale connotations make the night seem truly magical.

If you base what you do on inaccurate information, you might be unpleasantly surprised by the consequences. Make sure you get the whole wedding transportation story from informed sources.

An adventurous couple may choose to ride a motorcycle to their reception. This unique mode of transportation for a wedding is sure to gain quite a bit of attention. Even people who just happen to be passing by are bound to notice an elegantly dressed bride riding on the back of a motorcycle. One advantage to riding a motorcycle to your wedding reception is that, depending on the policies of the hall, the couple may be able to drive the motorcycle directly into the reception hall as they are introduced to the guests.

A bus is another popular way for the entire wedding party to arrive at the reception. A couple that is interested in getting the party started immediately after the ceremony may opt to rent a bus to transport the entire wedding party from the ceremony to the reception. This is a great way for the couple to have some time to mingle with their closest friends before the reception. Once the couple arrives at the reception they will have the responsibility of mingling with all of the guests and thanking them for their attendance and may not have time to spend with the wedding party so it is important to have this time just before the reception to spend time with them and thank them for all of their efforts. The other advantage to this option is that it supplies all of the members of the wedding party reliable transportation to the reception and ensures that no one is left behind.

An extravagant sports car is another popular way for the bride and groom to arrive at the reception. Whether it is rented, borrowed or owned by the couple an expensive sports car is always an admired mode of transportation. Most sports cars only seat two passengers so this is an excellent way for the bride and groom to travel to their reception because it gives them the opportunity to spend some quality time together before the chaos of the reception. They can take a few moments to enjoy each others company and reflect on the preceding ceremony. This short amount of time will be greatly cherished by the bride and the groom.

The bride and groom have a wide assortment of options for arriving at their wedding reception. Each option has its own distinct advantages and disadvantages and it is difficult to compare the options. Choosing a mode of transportation is a personal choice that the couple has to make based on their own preferences.

Knowing enough about wedding transportation to make solid, informed choices cuts down on the fear factor. If you apply what you’ve just learned about wedding transportation, you should have nothing to worry about.

We human beings seem to be pre-programmed for novelty. While we may be happy with the habits and routines we have established for ourselves, there always seems to be an undercurrent of yearning for something new. We are a society that constantly seeks out new ways to do things, new solutions to old problems, and new techniques to make our lives easier, more rewarding, or more fun.

We continually develop new friendships and build new networks of contacts and acquaintances. Many of us flit from one relationship to another, eternally seeking the new and the different. Each time we are sure that we have found perfection; then the cracks in our hastily embraced partnership appear and we are off, pell-mell, to find someone new.

Within an established, affectionate relationship, there is still that call for novelty no matter how muted the voice. We may elect not to risk the wonderful partnership we have by having an affair with an attractive stranger. Yet we feel the pull, the excitement, the “wonder-what-it-would-be-like” feeling when we encounter someone who makes us tingle. There are many of us who stray into a platonic but emotional affair or a whole-hearted love affair, so carried away by our excitement that we ignore its potential to topple the world we have so carefully crafted.

How can we protect and sustain that world without becoming bored and stale, with a sense that we have been cheated out of a variety of experiences that would make us more well-rounded and complete?

We learn to interject variety and new experiences into our life by the exposure of our hidden selves, the revelation of aspects of ourselves that have not yet seen the light of day. One of the most valuable attributes of a stable, monogamous partnership is the deep bond of trust that can only be developed over time and joint experience. We can then use that trust to allow us to risk ourselves as we never could in any situation which has potentially destructive elements.

We are all so much more than we appear. We have multiple layers of personality that can be peeled back like a flower bud or an exotic fruit.

Confidence in a positive and supportive response makes self-revelation an adventure rather than a dangerous risk. Within an affectionate union based on mutual respect, we can dare to be ourselves without fear of retribution or ridicule. The routine of our sexual contacts can be channeled in new directions by agreeing to find new ways of doing things and new approaches to aging habits.

Most couples, after a while, fall into a limited number of, for example, positions. The sexual bible of the Hindu, the Kama Sutra, lists over a thousand positions for sexual intercourse, some very difficult, some probably painful for anyone other than a trained contortionist. It is unlikely that in one lifetime, a thousand positions would ever be necessary. However, an expansion of options from the four or five usually used can bring a rush of excitement and a fresh breeze to your standard love-making regimen. Some efforts may turn out to be real duds but can still generate shared laughter and more intense intimacy, no matter how ineffective in generating a mutual climax.

Acquiring new positions and techniques can be accomplished through books and adult movies, now readily available in even mainstream film rental outlets, by mail, or through the Internet.

Make such experimentation fun by only using it occasionally, as an adjunct to your core routines, a novelty recess. Relentlessly pursuing novelty, time after time, can interfere with the mutually satisfying bonds you have established over time.